While we are only a few days into school, we are already seeing the Juul come back with a vengeance. Many parents (and kids) still aren't appropriately educated about e-cigarettes/vapes/Juuls so we wanted to share some of the latest research! (I'm going to link several articles in here so be sure to click on the blue highlighted text for individual articles!)

To begin, if you didn't know what a Juul looks like, you aren't alone, and as you can see above they walk among us disguised as USB drives. 

To reiterate, one Juul pod contains the nicotine equivalent of an entire pack of cigarettes!  

And while many say that it's still a healthier alternative to smoking cigarettes, Dave Dobbins, the chief operating officer of the Truth Initiative, bluntly states, "Jumping off a 10-story building will kill you, and jumping off a two story building will only hurt you," he said, adding that he wouldn't recommend doing either and he wouldn't recommend smoking cigarettes or a Juul. 

"Juuling is all the rage right now, and if you think it’s only “those” type of kids who are vaping in place of cigarette smoking, you couldn’t be further from the truth. Ask your teenagers right now if they know what Juuling is, and I guarantee you they’ll tell you they’ve seen kids Juuling right in the middle of class without anyone even knowing they’re doing it- including the teachers"

Mil Schooley, an 18-year-old student in Denver says most of her friends have a JUUL — an e-cigarette that can vanish into a closed fist. When asked roughly how many, she stumbles a bit. "I wanna say like 50 or 60 percent."

"Juul has become a cultural phenomenon and has been called the ‘iPhone of electronic cigarettes". Evidently, Juuling has become so popular that there are now Instagram and social media users whose entire accounts are dedicated to some of their "tricked out" devices or showing off the different "cool" smoke rings they can make. They have elevated this to the status of "art" in many cases. 

Personally, there are many things about the Juul or e-cigarettes that I find concerning but here is where we are seeing addiction really come into play. We have been fortunate that most of our students have not had the habit of smoking cigarette. Therefore, they do not need any kind of smoking cessation assistance because they have never been exposed to tobacco and nicotine (smoking cessation is how the Juul was originally branded). But now we have students that never were exposed to any kind of nicotine getting it at highly concentrated levels, and this is where addiction comes into play. 

And for some families, catching a child using a Juul is just the beginning. 

How do we overcome? Thankfully many students are using our Quick Tip system for things they are seeing at school but further  intervention happens at home and communication is the key. Revisit last week's blog to get some excellent tips about effective ways to communicate with your child! 

Stay Healthy, Chaps!
-Kristi Waidhofer

If the song wasn't already in your head, now it's sure to be. Sorry! But in all seriousness, we hope that you had a wonderful, relaxing, and memory filled summer and are ready to take on a new school year. 

Be sure to look over last week's blog as it covered some excellent tips for preparing for back to school (that can still be used even though school has already begun!)

While there are many important focus points to help support a healthy school year, there's two I really want to focus on. Connection and Sleep! 

Challenge Success put out a list of 10 back to school tips to help your child thrive! I'm going to share a couple of my favorite that really hone in on the idea of connection.
 

• Ask your child: “How was your day? Learn anything interesting? Get to spend time with friends?” instead of “How did you do on the math test?” 
  • ​Check out this article for 25 Ways to Ask Your Child "So How Was School Today?" Without Asking "So How Was School Today?"

 

• Make time for PDF:  playtime, downtime, family time. Research shows PDF is critical for overall well-being.

 

• Create a technology-free environment during mealtimes. Every adult and child can benefit from a break from constant interruptions and distractions.

 

• When your child wants to talk with you, stop what you are doing and engage. Does “I hate school” really mean something else:  “I am being bullied” or “I don’t fit in"

 

• Help your child develop his or her interests and strengths. Discover what your child really loves to do outside of school, not what you think a college admissions officer would like to see on an application.

​
Now, probably the single biggest indicator of health and success in high school - SLEEP! 

• ​An extra hour of sleep is more valuable than an extra hour of studying. Research shows sleep deprivation can be associated with depression and anxiety. 

In a recent article about helping with back to school anxiety sleep and a new routine was heavily encouraged. 

• It's kind of a no-brainer that sleep is essential, Mackey points out, but patterns can't be adjusted (literally) overnight. "Kids really get out of rhythm in the summer," she says, and this has a bigger impact than adults realize. "When we're tired, we're moody, and little things can feel really big," Mackey explains. "Anxiety is much worse if sleep is bad. Make sure you have a good quiet routine and early enough bedtime that your child can get sufficient sleep."

• If you’re between the ages of 13 and 64, and don’t get eight to ten hours of sleep per night, your logical reasoning, executive function, attention, and mood can be impaired. Worse, severe sleep deprivation can lead to depression, anxiety, and symptoms of paranoia. 

With those statistics in mind, check out this article for some ideas about ways to support your children (and maybe even yourself) in getting optimal sleep! 

We're wishing everyone a super successful school year and we are here to support everyone. Don't forget to check the blog weekly for new updates and don't miss our Speaker Series with topics carefully chosen for you and your student!

Here's to an incredible school year!

Stay Healthy, Chaps!
-Kristi Waidhofer 

Here's hoping some of y'all read that title to the same little jingle that was in my head when I wrote it! 

Prom is a big rite of passage and important Prom actually looks so much different now than it did when we were in school. Some kids never even make it to the actual dance but instead do all the dress up, photos, and go to a fancy dinner and then straight to the "after party". We wanted all parents to feel prepared for what to expect this weekend and to hopefully have this weekend but a fun but SAFE weekend for everyone! 

Please revisit some of our older blog posts for these important tips! 

Prom - Where Conversation Is Key!
Prom Six Step Survival Guide!
Prom Time! 

Stay Safe and Healthy, Chaps!
-Kristi Waidhofer 
​​

The death of a loved one is a topic that is not often openly discussed. Despite the lack of open conversations around grief and loss, it is a pervasive problem that impacts many students in the Westlake High School community. According to the New York Life Foundation, nearly 1 in 20 children will lose a parent before the age of 16. In addition, a vast majority of children will experience the loss of a family member or friend before completing high school.

This widespread issue can impact children and adolescents in many different ways. Everyone’s grief is going to look different - The developmental age of the child and the type of death will further impact their individual grieving process. However, some typical reactions to the death of a loved one include:
​
-Emotions: Disbelief, sadness, anger, relief, guilt, fear, anxiety and curiosity
-Physical symptoms: Loss of appetite, headaches, insomnia, fatigue and    upsetting dreams
-Behavior: Restlessness, hyperactivity, withdrawing, self-destructive behavior, acting out and difficulty concentrating

Many adolescents are left feeling alone as they navigate through the difficult emotions, physical symptoms and behaviors that typically accompany grief. Organizations such as The Shared Grief Project, aim to address the feelings of isolation that often accompany grief and loss by sharing personal stories from high-profile public figures who lost a parent at a young age.

As parents and school staff, we also have an opportunity to help students struggling with grief and loss feel less alone. Here are some things we can do to support our students:

-We can validate and normalize the feelings they are experiencing.
-We can help identify skills that support the coping process, such as journaling, exercise or spending time outdoors.
-We can provide ongoing support and communicate that we are there to listen when they are ready to talk.
-We can open the lines of communication between school and home to ensure the student is receiving the support they need.
-Finally, we can help provide additional support by sharing information about community resources that can help support individuals through the grieving process.

Grief is a complicated and messy journey that can make the normal struggles of adolescence even more difficult to manage. A caring adult is not going to make the pain of losing a loved one go away, but you’d be surprised at the power of a listening ear.

Stay Healthy, Chaps!
-Elizabeth Sterling, MSSW Intern

These days, there is no doubt that social media takes up a good portion of our lives. Whether we are posting on Facebook, liking someone’s photo on Instagram, or sending a Snap via Snapchat, social media is something that we are involved with on a daily basis. Although it is a useful tool for connecting with friends, it can also give the impression that we are missing out on important events, otherwise known as Fear of Missing Out or FOMO.
For example, let’s say you’re out of town for a family reunion. While at your reunion, you check your Snapchat only to realize your friends back at home had a backyard party due to the nice weather. You might begin to feel anxious that everyone is together without you, preventing yourself from enjoying the reunion you’re actually attending. FOMO often creates social anxiety, leaving us feeling sad or fearful of being left out. It leads us to constantly checking our phones, obsessing over what others are doing, where they are traveling, and who they are with. It makes us question “Why am I not doing that?” and fuels a lack of self-confidence in ourselves. It also takes away from the life experiences we could actually be enjoying at the moment.
So how can we battle the fear of missing out without deleting our social media accounts? Below are some tips to help reduce social media stress.

Make plans to spend time with your friends. If you’re feeling anxious about the bonding you’re not there for, make other plans with your friends so you do get that time together. You might even consider smaller groups or one-on-one plans to create a feeling of being close.

Focus on what you are doing that makes you happy. Being distracted by what others are doing (and what you’re not) can take away from your experiences. Keep your attention on what you’re doing that brings you enjoyment.

Don’t worry about sharing on social in real time. The easiest way to skip FOMO caused by social media is to not go on social media. Of course, that’s easier said than done and we all have photos and videos we want to share with our circles. Try to upload those after the event is over so that you don’t get sucked into the newsfeed spiral of seeing what everyone else is doing when you should be happy in what you’re doing.

Keep in mind people’s social media images differ from real life. A reason why social media is so important to us is because it allows us to create the self-image we desire. We post our most picturesque photos, accomplishments, and experiences to ensure others that “I’m having lots of fun right now” or “I’m living my best life”. It is important to remember that everyone goes through tough times despite what their profile says.         

Stay Healthy Chaps!
​Nora Schultz, MSSW Intern

​April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which is an annual campaign to promote awareness of sexual assault and educate each other on how to prevent sexual violence. Here at Westlake, we strive to advocate for those who have been victims of sexual assault and work to prevent it by establishing norms of respect, safety, equality, and helping others. 

What is sexual assault?
Sexual assault happens in every community and affects people of all genders and ages. Sexual assault is any type of unwanted sexual contact. This includes words and actions of a sexual nature against a person’s will and without their consent. A person may use force, threats, manipulation, or coercion to commit sexual assault.
Forms of sexual assault include:

• Rape or sexual violence
• Child sexual assault and incest
• Sexual assault by a person’s spouse or partner
• Unwanted sexual contact/touching
• Sexual harassment
• Sexual exploitation and trafficking
• Exposing one’s genitals or naked body to other(s) without consent
• Masturbating in public
• Watching someone engage in private acts without their knowledge or      permission
• Nonconsensual image sharing

Who does sexual assault impact?                                                                        Victims of sexual violence include people of all ages, races, genders, and religions — with and without disabilities.

• Nearly one in five women in the United States have experienced rape or attempted rape some time in their lives.
• In the United States, one in 71 men have experienced rape or attempted rape.
• Victims often know the person who sexually assaulted them.                   
• Nearly three out of four adolescents (74%) who have been sexually assaulted were victimized by someone they knew well..
• One-fifth (21.1%) were committed by a family member.
• 51.1% of female victims of rape reported being raped by an intimate partner.

What is consent?                                                                                                  Consent must be freely given and informed, and a person can change their mind at any time. Consent is more than a yes or no. It is a dialogue about desires, needs, and level of comfort with different sexual interactions.                                Choosing to violate another person is not about “drinking too much,” “trying to have a good time,” or “getting carried away,” nor is it about the clothes someone was wearing, how they were acting, or what type of relationship they have with the person who abused them. Violating another person is a choice.

How to get help?
If you or someone you know has been a victim of sexual assault it is important to know your rights and how to get help. Victims of crime have rights that depend on the laws of the location (state, territory, tribe) where the crime occurred. Some of the laws that might apply to you if a person has committed the crime of sexual assault against you include:

• Availability of a forensic exam (rape kit) at no cost to you
• Confidential access to victim advocates
• Time limits (statute of limitations) on reporting a sexual assault to the police
• Mandated reporting of the assault if you are a vulnerable person (child or elder adult)
• Confidential communication with service providers
• Testing or storage of evidence kits
• Possible financial compensation for you as a crime victim

Other resources include: 

• The Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN) Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 or access RAINN’s online chat
• National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) offers a directory of Victim/Survivor support resources for every region. https://www.nsvrc.org/

Stay healthy Chaps!
Nora Schultz, MSSW Intern

​Yesterday marked the first day of Spring! Now that we have ditched the cold weather for good, we can finally return to outdoor activities that keep us physically moving. Exercise is one of the most effective ways to improve your mental health. Research shows that teens need at least 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous physical activity most days of the week. Why? Teens who exercise regularly feel more energetic throughout the day, sleep better at night, have sharper memories, and feel more positive about themselves and their lives. Exercise relieves tension and stress, enhances well-being through the release of endorphins, and creates a sense of mindfulness through repetition. Whether you are someone who exercises regularly, or someone who can’t stand the thought of sweating on purpose, here are some tips to improve your exercise level:
 
1. Start Small: Setting extravagant goals like waking up at 5am EVERY morning to work out, or signing up for a marathon when you haven’t run in 6 months will only leave you defeated if you fall short. Create achievable goals that fit your level and continue to build from there.
 
2. Focus on Activities You Enjoy: Any activity that gets you moving counts! If you hate the gym, opt for taking a walk with a friend, kayak on Lady Bird Lake, or play a pick-up game of basketball in your free time.
 
3. Reward Yourself: Exercising will already provide a sense of accomplishment and positive energy, but in addition to those perks you can also treat yourself. Reward yourself perhaps with an extra episode of your favorite TV show, a refreshing smoothie, or some time to meditate.
 
 Don’t know where to start? Try some of these!
 Free yoga & group classes in Austin: https://fitt.co/austin/free-fitness-groups-classes-austin/
 
Kayak/Paddleboard on Lady Bird Lake
 
Take your bike to school instead of the bus
 
Join a school sport or local recreational team
 
Learn to box using a student discount: http://www.lordsboxing.com/
 
Find an online fitness class channel you enjoy on Youtube
 
Go for a hike on the Greenbelt, Mt. Bonnell, or Hamilton Pool
 
Swim at Barton Springs
 
Take a dance lesson
 
Find a 5k, 10k, 13.1, or 26.2 road race to run: https://austinrunners.org/calendar/
 
Austin is one of the best cities for staying active because of its wide variety of activities offered. We challenge you this spring to find an activity you enjoy and get moving
 
Stay healthy Chaps!
 
Nora Schultz, MSSW Intern
 

With midterms in full force it can be tempting for teenagers to stay up all night and put off sleep until spring break. While spring break can be a great time to catch up on some rest and relaxation, it’s important that sleep is a year-round priority.

According to the Child Mind Institute, less than 8% of American teenagers get the sleep they need. This leaves the vast majority sleep deprived. So how does going without the recommended nine hours of sleep each night actually impact teenagers?

-Increased risk of unintentional injuries and death. Drowsiness and fatigue are found to dramatically increase the potential for car crashes and other non-driving related accidents.
-Inability to self-regulate. Lack of sleep has been linked to aggression, impulsivity, and inability to stay on task and focus.
-Substance use and risky behavior. Sleep deprived teens are far more likely to use stimulants like caffeine and nicotine to get through the day. In addition, they are more likely to deal with sleep-related negative moods by self-medicating with alcohol.
-Mood. Less sleep has been found to be correlated with increased depressive symptoms, anxiety, irritability, feelings of hopelessness about the future and suicidal ideation.

What if the moodiness, constant battles and reckless behavior we typically associate with “normal” teenage angst could be lessened with a good night’s sleep? Wouldn’t that be great? Here are some tips parents can use to help their teenagers get more sleep:
 
-Be consistent with sleep schedules – even on the weekends!
-Screens off an hour before bed time.
-Watch the snacking.
-Simplify your teen’s after school schedule.
-Set a good example with your own sleep habits.
-Streamline mornings.
-Ask your teen, “What can I do to help keep you track?”
 
Teens are not likely to change their habits unless they recognize more sleep actually makes them feel better. Parents play an important role in encouraging commitment when it comes to their teen’s sleeping schedule.
 
Have a safe and sleep-filled spring break!
 
Kristi, Katie & Elizabeth

As the month of February comes to an end, our Valentine’s Day excitement (or anxiety) is put in our past, and we look forward to the season of Spring. During Spring time, everything feels new! In addition to flowers, new relationships are also blossoming, and it is important to recognize unhealthy behavior in both new and existing relationships.
 
February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, and here at West Lake High we want to provide awareness on what dating violence might look like and how to receive help.
 
What is dating violence?
Dating violence is a type of intimate partner violence. It occurs between two people in a close relationship. The nature of dating violence can be physical, emotional, or sexual.

• Physical—This occurs when a partner is pinched, hit, shoved, or kicked.
• Emotional—This means threatening a partner or harming his or her sense of self-worth. Examples include name calling, shaming, bullying, embarrassing on purpose, or keeping him/her away from friends and family.
• Sexual—This is forcing a partner to engage in a sex act when he or she does not or cannot consent.

 
Who is at risk for dating violence?
Studies show that people who harm their dating partners are more depressed and are more aggressive than peers. Other warning signs for using dating violence include:

• Poor social skills
• Inability to manage anger and conflict
• Belief that using dating violence is acceptable
• Having more traditional beliefs about the roles of males and females
• Witnessing violence at home
• Alcohol use
• Having behavior problems in other areas
• Having a friend involved with dating violence
• Witnessing violence in the community

 
What are some warning signs I should look for?

• Checking cell phones, emails or social networks without permission
• Extreme jealousy or insecurity
• Constant belittling or put-downs
• Explosive temper
• Isolation from family and friends
• Making false accusations
• Constant mood swings towards you
• Physically inflicting pain or hurt in any way
• Possessiveness
• Telling someone what to do
• Repeatedly pressuring someone to have sex

Where can I find help?
There are many resources for victims of dating violence and those who are looking to help. Some of these include:

• Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474
• National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
• www.breakthecycle.org
• www.thesafespace.org
• ​www.loveisrespect.org

Happy Valentine’s Day! Many people spend this heart-stamped holiday showing their loved ones they care with flowers, chocolates and gifts. But what about self-love?

It is not always easy being a human being, so it’s important to consider how to choose self-compassion. We are often faced with difficulties that lead us to push ourselves too hard and be overly self-critical. According to Mindful, a non-profit focused on the practice of mindfulness, the thoughts we feed our minds are directly linked to our mood and how we take care of ourselves. Each day we have the option to feed our minds with encouraging and loving phrases, or critical and judgmental words.

One way to help shift away from negative thinking is to identify four non self-nurturing thoughts and five self-nurturing thoughts. Here are some examples:

Non self-nuturing thoughts:
-I have no one in my life who truly loves me.
-I will always be fat, so why bother trying?
-I am dumb.
-Nothing in my life ever goes right.
 
Self-nurturing thoughts:
-I am worthy of love.
-I accept myself as I am right now.
-I am smart and capable of succeeding.
-My life has up and downs just like everyone, but I have enough right now.  
 
Reflect on how reading the above thoughts made you feel. Did reading the non self-nurturing thoughts make you want to curl up in bed with a box of chocolates? Did the self-nurturing thoughts make you feel empowered, happy and confident? That’s not surprising – It has been proven that practicing self-nurturing thinking leads to more positive emotions, greater self-compassion and less depressive symptoms.

In addition to shifting your thinking, I encourage you to think of other ways to practice self-love.

Here are some ideas to get you started:
-Be your own best friend and find ways to enjoy your own company.   
-Surround yourself with loving people.
-Write or say positive affirmations to yourself each day, such as “I am beautiful”.
-Practice self-care.
 
I challenge you this Valentine’s Day to take one of the above tips and show yourself some love. If you like what you are feeling, then keep it going – Self-compassion can be (and should be) a year-round practice! 

-Kristi, Katie & Elizabeth

Does this sound familiar? 

"It’s no longer enough just to play town soccer; elementary schoolers also have to be on a year-round club team and receive private coaching. Your daughter’s getting As in math class? Time for an after school enrichment program to learn more-complex concepts—and might as well throw in tutors for reading, science, foreign languages, and dance for good measure. Every time I decide to let my 11-year-old twin boys and eight-year-old daughter find their own way, like my parents did when I was a kid, I get sucked back into thinking that I need to help them get ahead. No one wants her kid to be average anymore—at anything."

Or what about this? 

"When students reach middle and high school, a striking number use private tutors to move from average to honors-level classes, or to help them stay afloat under their heavy AP course loads, according to numerous teachers and parents I spoke with. Interestingly, there’s no stigma attached to having a tutor the way there was when I was young. To these kids, it’s just another extracurricular. That concerns Dori Hutchinson, the director of services at the Center for Psychiatric Rehabilitation at Boston University. When one of her sons was in middle school, Hutchinson remembers another mother asking if she had tutors lined up for next year. She was taken aback: Her son was doing well in school, so why would he need extra help? “Well, it’s so hard to get As,” the mother replied.
​“I was not going to get him a tutor to go from a B to an A,” Hutchinson recalls. She worries about the message that sends to kids—that a B isn’t good enough. “There’s this thought that we need private lessons to get better,” she says. “Instead, we need to show our kids that it’s okay not to be the best at everything.”

Read on...

"What’s so wrong with wanting our kids to succeed, anyway? Nothing, technically, but nearly half of all college students are struggling with anxiety and depression in pursuit of perfection, Hutchinson tells me: “They’re incredibly driven…but not all that happy.” 

If any of this is resonating with you, make sure you finish the article here! 

Stay Healthy, Chaps!
-Kristi Waidhofer
 
What’s so wrong with wanting our kids to succeed, anyway? Nothing, technically, but nearly half of all college students are struggling with anxiety and depression in pursuit of perfection, Hutchinson tells me: “They’re incredibly driven…but not all that happy.” While she says there’s no direct causal link, she definitely thinks this “high-performance, high-productivity culture” is contributing to their fragile states of mind. Kids nowadays have worked so hard to get to where they are that they’re burned out by the time they reach college. Rather than thriving, they’re merely surviving. They’re anxious, depressed, not sleeping, abusing substances, dropping out of school, battling eating disorders, or worse. Suicide is now the second-leading cause of death among teenagers, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In the 2013–2014 academic year, three Newton high school students took their own lives within four months. In April of this year, a Lexington High School senior committed suicide. The stress levels are palpable in hallways.
Hutchinson points to teenagers’ lack of resilience—the ability to face and overcome challenges. The issue is that “we’re not allowing our kids to make mistakes and learn from them,” she explains, giving the hypothetical example of well-meaning parents who hire a math tutor for their son throughout high school. As a result, he gets As. When it’s time for him to take the SATs, they again get him a tutor and he scores 700 on the math section. “But then the kid goes off to college on his own and is devastated when he gets a D in Calculus 101,” Hutchinson says. “He hasn’t had the chance to recognize that maybe math isn’t his strength.” Nor his passion. “You need to make sure your kid is there because he or she loves it—not because it’s a résumé-building line,” she adds.
Hutchinson understands parents’ motivation: “It’s coming from a place of love…and anxiety. You hate to watch your child struggle.” The problem is, “We’re trying to develop kids who have no deficits,” she says. “We all have weaknesses and vulnerabilities—that’s part of being human.”
Naylor, the sports psychologist, sees the same thing happening on the playing field: “As parents, we’re great at supporting our kids; we’re bad at letting them feel challenged.” If a child doesn’t get playing time, or if she has to sit on the sidelines, “that’s okay,” he says. Tears of frustration indicate passion—and intrinsic motivation. Look at Michael Jordan, who was cut from the varsity basketball team during his sophomore year of high school. He managed to turn out just fine.
 
We jump through hoops to make sure our children succeed for many reasons. Obviously, it’s because we want them to be happy and healthy…and we don’t want to close doors to opportunity prematurely. And maybe we’re also hoping for a competitive edge to get them into college (and some help paying for it, too) when acceptance rates are at an all-time low and tuitions are skyrocketing.
But might our own egos have something to do with it? A Westwood mother of three whom I’ll call Jill tells the story of a mom who arrived visibly upset to a fifth-grade graduation party. When everyone asked what was wrong, she told them her son hadn’t placed into the honors math class for middle school. She began to cry and said that her “biggest fear was that her kids would be average,” Jill explains. “She said, ‘My kids are a reflection of me—out there for the world to see what kind of mother I was.’”
I was shocked she’d say that—until I realized that thought has probably crossed all of our minds at some point, however fleetingly. When our kids shine, we take credit. Every time I go on Facebook I see one parent or another trumpeting their kid’s most recent achievement—whether it’s winning a ribbon at a swim meet or getting first place in the spelling bee. No wonder we feel pressure to help our kids excel. It’s no longer about keeping up with the Joneses—it’s about keeping up with their children. Still, it’s important to remember that our children are not extensions of ourselves. They are freethinking beings with their own interests. We can’t mold them into mini-me’s, nor can we live out our dreams vicariously through them.
A friend recently sent me a New York Times article in which college admissions officers shared advice they give their own kids. A quote from MIT dean of admissions Stuart Schmill resonated: “If you couldn’t write about this on your college application, would you still do it? If the answer is ‘no,’ then you shouldn’t be doing it.”
How freeing would it be if we actually followed his advice? If we backed off and gave our kids space to figure out what they enjoy doing—not what wethink they should do, or what their friends are doing? If we stopped overscheduling them? If we let “good” be good enough and didn’t rush to hire tutors and private coaches at the first hint of interest or glimmer of talent?
A former competitive college athlete, Jill says it took her 13 years of motherhood to learn what she calls the magic words of parenting: “I want to do that.” She’d always struggled to get her eldest son to participate in soccer, band, baseball—you name it, he dragged his feet. Then one day he announced he wanted to try fencing, a sport that wasn’t even on her radar. From day one, “he had his bag packed and ready to go,” she says. It was her awakening: “I’d put in no time, energy, money, or volunteer hours. I didn’t even know the rules.” And yet her son was good at it—and actually enjoyed it. “I finally learned that mothering is easier and requires less effort when the kid drives an activity,” she says.
It’s not easy to ignore societal pressure to push, push, push; to trust that our children will find their own way without our stepping in to be their street sweeper, snowplow, Zamboni, or whatever you want to call it. But here’s some perspective: Our parents didn’t sign us up for all the extras—in fact, they didn’t sign us up for much at all, instead booting us outside to make our own fun in the neighborhood. They were more concerned with whether we ate our vegetables than how many goals we scored (at a game they likely didn’t attend). And look how well we turned out. We don’t owe our success to private coaching and tutoring; we owe it to our intrinsic desire to be our best self. That’s what we need to focus on with our children: building their self-esteem; creating a safe environment where it’s okay to fail and okay to try again; and encouraging them to be nice, honest, and loyal. And, perhaps most important of all, embracing mediocrity.


Read More About:

• Long Reads
• Parenting
• Schools 2017

Julie Suratt
 bmagdigital+jsuratt@gmail.com
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What’s so wrong with wanting our kids to succeed, anyway? Nothing, technically, but nearly half of all college students are struggling with anxiety and depression in pursuit of perfection, Hutchinson tells me: “They’re incredibly driven…but not all that happy.” While she says there’s no direct causal link, she definitely thinks this “high-performance, high-productivity culture” is contributing to their fragile states of mind. Kids nowadays have worked so hard to get to where they are that they’re burned out by the time they reach college. Rather than thriving, they’re merely surviving. They’re anxious, depressed, not sleeping, abusing substances, dropping out of school, battling eating disorders, or worse. Suicide is now the second-leading cause of death among teenagers, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In the 2013–2014 academic year, three Newton high school students took their own lives within four months. In April of this year, a Lexington High School senior committed suicide. The stress levels are palpable in hallways.
Hutchinson points to teenagers’ lack of resilience—the ability to face and overcome challenges. The issue is that “we’re not allowing our kids to make mistakes and learn from them,” she explains, giving the hypothetical example of well-meaning parents who hire a math tutor for their son throughout high school. As a result, he gets As. When it’s time for him to take the SATs, they again get him a tutor and he scores 700 on the math section. “But then the kid goes off to college on his own and is devastated when he gets a D in Calculus 101,” Hutchinson says. “He hasn’t had the chance to recognize that maybe math isn’t his strength.” Nor his passion. “You need to make sure your kid is there because he or she loves it—not because it’s a résumé-building line,” she adds.
Hutchinson understands parents’ motivation: “It’s coming from a place of love…and anxiety. You hate to watch your child struggle.” The problem is, “We’re trying to develop kids who have no deficits,” she says. “We all have weaknesses and vulnerabilities—that’s part of being human.”
Naylor, the sports psychologist, sees the same thing happening on the playing field: “As parents, we’re great at supporting our kids; we’re bad at letting them feel challenged.” If a child doesn’t get playing time, or if she has to sit on the sidelines, “that’s okay,” he says. Tears of frustration indicate passion—and intrinsic motivation. Look at Michael Jordan, who was cut from the varsity basketball team during his sophomore year of high school. He managed to turn out just fine.
 
We jump through hoops to make sure our children succeed for many reasons. Obviously, it’s because we want them to be happy and healthy…and we don’t want to close doors to opportunity prematurely. And maybe we’re also hoping for a competitive edge to get them into college (and some help paying for it, too) when acceptance rates are at an all-time low and tuitions are skyrocketing.
But might our own egos have something to do with it? A Westwood mother of three whom I’ll call Jill tells the story of a mom who arrived visibly upset to a fifth-grade graduation party. When everyone asked what was wrong, she told them her son hadn’t placed into the honors math class for middle school. She began to cry and said that her “biggest fear was that her kids would be average,” Jill explains. “She said, ‘My kids are a reflection of me—out there for the world to see what kind of mother I was.’”
I was shocked she’d say that—until I realized that thought has probably crossed all of our minds at some point, however fleetingly. When our kids shine, we take credit. Every time I go on Facebook I see one parent or another trumpeting their kid’s most recent achievement—whether it’s winning a ribbon at a swim meet or getting first place in the spelling bee. No wonder we feel pressure to help our kids excel. It’s no longer about keeping up with the Joneses—it’s about keeping up with their children. Still, it’s important to remember that our children are not extensions of ourselves. They are freethinking beings with their own interests. We can’t mold them into mini-me’s, nor can we live out our dreams vicariously through them.
A friend recently sent me a New York Times article in which college admissions officers shared advice they give their own kids. A quote from MIT dean of admissions Stuart Schmill resonated: “If you couldn’t write about this on your college application, would you still do it? If the answer is ‘no,’ then you shouldn’t be doing it.”
How freeing would it be if we actually followed his advice? If we backed off and gave our kids space to figure out what they enjoy doing—not what wethink they should do, or what their friends are doing? If we stopped overscheduling them? If we let “good” be good enough and didn’t rush to hire tutors and private coaches at the first hint of interest or glimmer of talent?
A former competitive college athlete, Jill says it took her 13 years of motherhood to learn what she calls the magic words of parenting: “I want to do that.” She’d always struggled to get her eldest son to participate in soccer, band, baseball—you name it, he dragged his feet. Then one day he announced he wanted to try fencing, a sport that wasn’t even on her radar. From day one, “he had his bag packed and ready to go,” she says. It was her awakening: “I’d put in no time, energy, money, or volunteer hours. I didn’t even know the rules.” And yet her son was good at it—and actually enjoyed it. “I finally learned that mothering is easier and requires less effort when the kid drives an activity,” she says.
It’s not easy to ignore societal pressure to push, push, push; to trust that our children will find their own way without our stepping in to be their street sweeper, snowplow, Zamboni, or whatever you want to call it. But here’s some perspective: Our parents didn’t sign us up for all the extras—in fact, they didn’t sign us up for much at all, instead booting us outside to make our own fun in the neighborhood. They were more concerned with whether we ate our vegetables than how many goals we scored (at a game they likely didn’t attend). And look how well we turned out. We don’t owe our success to private coaching and tutoring; we owe it to our intrinsic desire to be our best self. That’s what we need to focus on with our children: building their self-esteem; creating a safe environment where it’s okay to fail and okay to try again; and encouraging them to be nice, honest, and loyal. And, perhaps most important of all, embracing mediocrity.


Read More About:

• Long Reads
• Parenting
• Schools 2017

Julie Suratt
 bmagdigital+jsuratt@gmail.com
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We have another guest blog this week from Marie Miguel. 

Among all the dumb platitudes thrown at teens, the idea of prioritization can be one of the most pernicious. Of course, some things are more important than others. This is as plain as the nose on your face. But what assumptions lie below the surface of this principle?

Some things are important to other people, but less so to the person expected to take care of them. Other tasks are very important at certain times, but not really at others. Still others are necessary, but only once certain conditions are in place: wishing someone a happy birthday a week in advance is almost worse than forgetting.

Clearly, importance isn't some kind of universal value. Younger people already understand the concept of “first things first”; their real challenge is usually determining what exactly should go on the list. Expounding on the virtues of prioritization really isn't helpful in this case (avoiding procrastination, of course, is another topic entirely).
​
Prioritization Quadrants

When you stop to think about it, it's clear that the importance of a task depends on its what as well as its when, as well as what else needs to be done simultaneously. When feeling overloaded, it's usually necessary (or at least advisable) to either drop or delay less critical work and apply your effort where it will do the most good. The following diagram is often useful in this regard:






An urgent task is one that simply has to be done, and done quickly, such as when a project with pass/fail significance is due tomorrow. It will probably take priority over anything but another urgent task.

An important item isn't going to cause Armageddon if it isn't completed soon, but still needs to be done eventually. If you want to learn something new, this might take the form of reading a thick book: you should really get it done, but whether this happens next week or next month makes little practical difference. You can work on it whenever you're not busy with anything urgent.

An opportunity that's only available for a short time but doesn't really matter one way or another is optional. One example is a sale on something you don't really need: you can take it or leave it. Everything else is trivial, meaning that you'll be doing it for fun if at all, and it plays no real role when assigning priorities.


Defining Acceptable Outcomes
Deciding what is really important to you as a person – not what your teachers would like you to do, not what you see on television – is an essential part of growing into adulthood. Too often, teens are expected to assume this level of responsibility and independence while various people in their lives are each insisting that they somehow know what should be prioritized, without ever taking the time to think about how this decision should depend on the individual.

Planning for the future is not easy when you have limited life experience to draw on, and finding a little objective help will rarely be a waste of time. Trying to do everything you have to do, as well as everything you want to do, perfectly every time will soon leave you a nervous wreck and make you feel like a failure even when you're actually performing above par. Learning to accept “good enough” when this is all that's really required is a valuable life skill that will allow you to put in maximum effort on the tasks that really matter.


Emphasizing Rest
If you try to do all the things you're supposed to, as well as you possibly can, you'll end up running around like a headless chicken and actually achieve less. Your body and mind need maintenance and restoration, so however busy you are, sleep, exercise and play should always find a slot on your schedule. Trying to operate at 100% all the time for an extended period is not only futile but harmful. At times, working your hardest really means closing the textbook, shutting down the computer and spending the whole day on the beach.

-Marie Miguel 
Marie is an avid internet researcher. She is fueled by her determination to answer the many questions she hasn't been able to find the answer to anywhere else. When she finds these answers she likes to spread the knowledge to others seeking help. She is always looking for outlets to share her information, therefore she occasionally has her content published on different websites and blogs. Even though she doesn't run one for herself she loves contributing to others.